I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The Olympian is in my bed
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
