I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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