if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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