Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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