i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
