forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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