Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
