mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
