Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
