I'm jealous of your bromance
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
