thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
