I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
