Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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