i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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