You can't motorboat a personality
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
