Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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