Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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