It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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