she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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