I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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