i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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