I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
