He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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