Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
