Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
