Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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