He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
