my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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