drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
