Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
