he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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