Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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