you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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