I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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