my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
