i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
