There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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