Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
