i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
