Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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