Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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