hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
