today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
