It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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