just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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