Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
