The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
What a dumb baby whore.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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