The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
