You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
