Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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