im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
