i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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