the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I deserve this hangover.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
